Hot Girl Bummer: Or the Paradox of Desirability.

Do you ever wish you could be invisible? Like for real? Just walk down the street, without a soul noticing you’re there? And not necessarily being invisible to everyone. A few select people would know you but for the most part you don’t exist. Well I do. And honestly, I wish more than anything I could be invisible to most straight men. I didn’t always feel this way. In fact all I wanted since I was ten years old was to be seen. Specifically by guys I liked. And to be honest, up until I was like twenty-one, I was pretty off their radar. 

And then I had a pretty insane glow-up.

And it felt like I was suddenly on the radar of every heterosexual man within a twenty mile radius. It was like I had a fairy godmother somewhere who finally, after over a decade of being the ugly duckling, took pity on me and made me a pretty swan. And at first it was amazing. Like my third eye opened. The guys I wanted actually wanted me back, I could get almost anything I wanted, get almost anywhere I wanted, and do almost anything I wanted. Legal, or not. Was this what it was like? Jesus! I was missing out on all the fun! This is great! You kind of feel powerful. But like most things in life, once you take the rose colored glasses off, things are never what they seem to be. 

You learn very quickly that in the eyes of many men, you are not human.

Now, this is true for practically all women but when you’re somewhat conventionally attractive, there is a different layer added to it. And it goes beyond cat-calling, or general street harassment. A few weeks ago, I was walking around my neighborhood, which is something I like to do at least three or four times a week. This particular day it was really nice, like 75 degrees, literally perfect walking temperature. As I turned the corner of the street I lived on, a man approached me. Apparently, he’d seen me walking around a few times before and “luckily” saw me walking that day, pulled over, and wanted to talk to me. I made it clear I wasn’t interested and continued to walk. He followed me for about a block before I was able to take refuge in a golf cart. Shout out to the woman who watched over me until I felt safe. And I wish that guy were a one off case. I’ve been stalked, or followed before on numerous occasions, including by a police officer (storytime?) and each time it happened I think it somehow altered my brain chemistry and has greatly interfered with my mental health. 

I’ve also been physically assaulted more than once while just minding my business. And truthfully, I struggle to talk about this. I used to go out to clubs and bars by myself (which I do not recommend) and I knew enough to never get drunk but it didn’t really matter because on multiple occasions i’ve had men grope me above and under my clothes, had a guy shove me off the sidewalk because I wouldn’t give him my number, One threatened me with physical violence and tried to hit me (right before I busted his ass over the head with my glass). And you know what, if you want to blame me for being in the club alone? Fine. I’ll hold that L (with your victim blaming behind) but I was also physically assaulted in scenarios where I “shouldn’t” have been assaulted in (No one should ever be assaulted btw). And I won’t be going into that, it’s a little too personal for me to share right now. It’s like random men have the strange entitlement to your time, space, and energy, and get super upset when you don’t play along. Nevertheless… It also goes deeper than the physical. 

They don’t even see you as a person on an emotional level either.

There has only ever been one guy in my life who seemed to see me for who I really was. Spoiler alert, we got married. Now for the rest of these sons of Adam… Despicable. Just kidding, kind of. Most men I came in contact with were not interested in knowing the real me. They saw me as a means to a sexual end, or someone who would look good on their arm and there really wasn’t too much in between. And that’s not to say that they didn’t like my personality (good taste is good taste) but they enjoyed it to whatever degree was beneficial for them. They cared about my thoughts and feelings so long as it corroborated with theirs. Like I was just an accessory. Or when they seemed to care about who I was as a person, they were only doing it to try and get in my panties. Which makes it very hard to know whether a man likes you or not. I’ve heard stories (On Reddit) about men only marrying their wives for looks when he really didn’t like anything else about her. It’s almost scary to think that man would fake feelings for you to the degree that you get married to each other. I think it has to be a form of insanity.

So what do you do about it? 

Well, honestly there’s nothing you can really do but take preventative measures to protect your peace. And yes, we could all sit here and wax poetic about how men should be better people to women but the day that happens is the day Biden forgives these loans. But ultimately you as a woman can…

Decenter them. 

To be honest, I have a different definition of decentering men than most. To me, I have more of a Samantha Jones via Sex and the City approach because I date them. Seeing men for what they are and only using them for what they can benefit you with. I ask not what I can do for patriarchy but what patriarchy can do for me. I’ll be honest, I really do not take men in general seriously. If they want to use me, I will use them as well. That’s how it was in my early twenties. I had men that were specifically for monetary benefits, men I used for sex (but used is a strong word because men get more from women during sexual encounters), and men I used for various things I personally didn’t want to do. All of them were treated the same until they proved themselves worthy enough to get my time and attention outside of the compartments I put them in. If that sounds familiar, that’s what men do to women. They categorize you in the ways you are useful to them. And if that sounds callous? Well, yea, it is. And I make no qualms about it. To me it’s also about living your life outside of their opinions. I don’t want, nor do I care about their respect for me, their perception of me, or whether or not they find me fuckable. I say, dress, and do what I want. And there was a time I tried to change how I dressed, mainly because of them but I ultimately decided against doing so because who cares what random men think? If you’re not paying my bills, my dad, or screwing me, you can honestly think what you want. And I keep that heat on me if you want to get crazy. Other women choose to decenter men completely by also choosing to remain celibate, or otherwise not deal with them interpersonally unless they absolutely have to. And I definitely respect that but I know it’s not realistic for most heterosexual women.

You can also hold out for your prince charming. 

Now to be honest, this isn’t something I personally recommend because marriage and partnerhood with men is generally a scam for women. But for better or worse, it’s something that many, if not most women desire. In this case, I would definitely suggest being sexually prudent, or celibate, until a man proves that he is worthy of going to that level with you. Which means when you get the level of commitment you personally want. I would also date with a purpose and weed out the men that you do not mesh with on a value level. It gets really hard (but not impossible) for men to fake their intentions with you when you take sex off the table for a prolonged period of time. From what I learned, men in general know very quickly whether they see a future with you and will pursue you accordingly. 

To a degree, being desirable to men is a catch 22.

Being seen as desirable, and being wanted by men, or a man, is something that heterosexual women generally and naturally want but at the same time, it’s something potentially dangerous not only to your mental health but physical health. Now, I won’t make the mistake of using the extreme things that happened to me as something that every woman will go through but I’m sure almost all women have some sort of experience with it. And honestly, there are women out there who have had worse treatment at the hands of men, which is very heartbreaking. I read somewhere that women dating men is like being sexually attracted to your natural predator. And again, it’s not ALLLLLL men but why is it always a man? I also think it’s important that we as women unpack the reasons we want to be seen as desirable by men. You can argue that it’s natural to want that. And as I stated above, it is natural…but snake venom is natural as well. Does it make it any less poisonous? I think it’s also part of societal conditioning. Patriarchy originated (from women actually) because the men at the top needed a way to pacify the average man below them into submission. So as to prevent the regular joe from revolting and taking the man at the top’s hoarded wealth, they promised these men that they would be the “Kings of their own castle.” Every man can have a woman (womb) by which they can pass their own individual assets through (with only boys ofc). So essentially many men, historically, think they are owed a woman, or women. First and second wave feminism really threw a monkey wrench in that idea. And honestly, women left the cave, and realized “This sh*t ain’t so hard.” So with women honestly outpacing their male counterparts in many modern societal ways (college, home owning, entrepreneurship, etc.) What is it that we really need from men? And I'm genuinely asking because that’s one of the riddles three I have yet to answer. Well, me personally, I’m never going to learn to mount my own TV so I guess in that way, they’ll always be a part of my human experience. 

Anyway…

This ended up being one of my longer articles, so if you stuck around, I appreciate it. I really didn’t know where I was going with this. I guess I just kind of wanted to get this sh*t off my chest. Being a woman is such an interesting experience, especially since we share this planet with our male counterparts. It’s like playing an unwinnable game. And honestly, with each passing day on this planet, the more i’m like f*ck this. I originally thought that I was unbothered, or didn’t care but no…I hate to admit it but I'm numb. Numb to being objectified, numb to the harassment, to the game playing, and ultimately to my own experiences as they happen to me. 

But whatever, this wasn’t very sex object of me.