I'm Just a Notch in your Bedpost but you're Just a Post on a Blog.

It's crazy, I really thought I’d cry but I didn’t. I was sad, frustrated, angry, and bear in mind, I always cry for every single one of those feelings. However, no matter how hard the emotions came, how overwhelmed I felt, they couldn’t just quite come out. Either my therapist was right, writing down my thoughts can be therapeutic...Or this weed was pretty alright. Both are a win in my eyes if that means I have finally found relief from being a blubbering mess over a guy of all things.

I wanted to be petty, post a song lyric eerily similar to the situation in hopes he’d be scrolling his feed, see it and feel a type of way...Any way. But no…

1. I refuse to be too cliche.

2. You and I both know that men don’t care about that stuff.

Not to mention, they move on in the hottest second while penis dumb women need time to “heal”.

No-

Posting about it on social media in any form would only satisfy the esoteric musings of my inner monologue.

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Maybe it’s a self fulfilling prophecy, or maybe my gut feelings finally paid off. It was like everything I was protecting myself against happened. Maybe that’s why I did what I did in the first place, Or maybe my anxiousness invited that energy into my intimate space. Maybe it just took 8 years of dating for me realize that it’s me. It has nothing to do with him, or even them. I'm the one who watched the previews and still purchased tickets for the two star movie. I ignored my own gut feelings, my own unhappiness, and for what? Just to cling to dreams and ways of life that I made up all in my own head? Yes. That's exactly it, actually.

A white dude in the 70's once said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." For some reason I can never just get a clue, let life happen, and trust myself. I'm always left to pick up the pieces of my shattered illusions after reality hits me yet again. In this moment I was faced with a choice. I could either chew my cabbage twice for the umpteenth time and wait on some guy to figure out what he wants; Or I could trust myself and that no matter what he decided, I was done.

A few days later he messaged me with regular conversation.

A few days after that he decided to end things.

But I decided that things ended the moment he said "He needed time to think about it." For the most part, men know what they want, and I now understand the feeling of not allowing a man to tell you he didn't want you more than once.

So I decided.

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I was sad initially but I didn't feel much. I think some people do come into your life to test your resolve, to see if you're going to learn the lesson this time. I trusted myself without apology and I ended up in a better situation. It's almost never about other people and most times we have to turn the mirror to ourselves. For the most part life is made up of choices, we know that. However, much of what we choose, we do so based on how we think things should end up, or even how we want them to. Our emotions are beautiful and spiritual entities but unfortunately they are not facts. We often ignore common sense and the realities of our situations because our feelings are blinding us to our own expectations, desires, and what we know our standards are.

I think we often forget, or don't realize, that we are in a lot more control over our happiness and our lives than we often give ourselves credit for.

So from that point on, I decided that I would no longer leave the power for someone else to choose me, on the table.