Just In: Vulnerability is Indeed Not the Ghetto.

For the first time in my life, I am vulnerable. No, no listen to me because there are so many meanings to that phrase. Not only do I feel vulnerable, I am actively putting myself in positions of vulnerability. To be completely honest, my entire nervous system, common sense, brain, sensory memory etc. is screaming for me to shut this vulnerability ish’ down. And I want to reiterate to all my readers that vulnerability is the DUMBEST thing someone can do. There is no logic in it, you are willingly going against every tactical book ever, every sense of self preservation and what’s the payoff? To be completely honest, I am not sure there is one. Or at least one in this life. So why do we do it? Why do humans allow themselves to be vulnerable in a world that very much teaches, encourages, and even enforces the opposite? Is there something about human nature that makes us naturally want to be vulnerable against all better judgement? 

I have two sons. 

Well, I have two cats whom I love like my own flesh and blood and I know in their own kitty ways, they love me. However, no matter how much they may like me, if I get too close to their bellies, I get a swift but harmless swipe to the hands. It’s funny, they mean absolutely nothing by it, it’s just an impulse response to their vulnerabilities being exposed but humans don’t really have that natural, proverbial swipe. No, not only do many of us show the deepest parts of ourselves, we do it with people who we know in our heart of hearts don’t deserve it. Then to take it a step further, we do it again, and again, repeating the pattern. That is literally the definition of insanity. Humans are insane. But I think most of you knew that

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Just think about the nature of relationships.

Remember the first time you really got your heart broken, the first time you lost a friend, or even a pet. We know these facts: 

-99% of the people you date, or are in a romantic relationship with, end in a split.

- All pets die.

-All people die and sometimes those people are friends, lovers, or relatives.

-And sometimes, those friends we chose, or relatives we cherish, people we thought would be in our lives forever, we split up with them too.

But for some reason, everyday, we choose to connect with each other, reveal ourselves, our thoughts, passions, desires, fears knowing all of the above. We choose to continue to adopt pets, choose to actively seek a life partner, or partners, choose friends everywhere we go. It’s like we literally read the last chapter of the book, see the unhappy ending and still read for the drama of it all. So why the hell am I choosing to learn to be vulnerable again?

I am a reformed logician. 

At one point, I began to question the validity of my own choices when it came to sharing parts of myself. I learned very early that it was best to not let people know your true thoughts, or feelings because the truth always has a cost. I thought I was doing the right thing, the smart thing but years down the line it manifested in expressions of anger and numbness. I also began to question how much stock I should put into my romantic relationships. After the end of my longest romantic relationship and after reflecting on some previous relationships, I decided to no longer give away my emotional capital so willingly, or freely; Or at least not without compensation.

I will admit, part of that was a good thing and it was pretty freeing. Since I didn’t care about anyone I was seeing at the time, I poured every single ounce of emotional labor I had into myself, my family, and friends. I no longer felt exhausted, I slept better, lost 30 lbs, started hiking, decorating, finding my groove, and genuinely enjoying life.

However something in me still felt like I wanted more. I fully validated, supported, and enjoyed myself and my own company but I wanted romance. To be involved with someone I could connect with and I did...And it’s hard because I often feel like a mad woman. Being emotionally involved with this person, sharing things about myself, all of that is what put me in terrible situations before, yet here I am doing it again, against all logic when everything was going perfectly fine before. Why the hell am I doing this? Literally as I type I am still asking myself that. What is it about being alive, that makes me crave connection and vulnerability with another person against both my better judgement and past experiences? And then my therapist asked me the question I should have been asking all along. 

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“Why do we have feelings, if not to feel?”  

I sat there for a moment. 

“Okay, then why do we have brains and logic, if not to think and avoid harmful patterns” 

“True.” 

More silence. 

“Who knows, maybe because our logic protects us from external threats like tiger attacks, or floods. Maybe our feelings keep us alive in a deeper, internal way.” 

To be honest, she kind of just nodded and squinted at me in response. 

I thought more about it and maybe we need our human connections to save us from the harsh dangers and instabilities of life that we know logically, are coming. When we know someone’s story, or someone knows ours that’s a lifelong connection that carries with you even if circumstances change. It makes us care about the well being of other people and in turn people care about our well being. 

In my first blog I wrote about our feelings and our emotions not being factual. I still feel the same. While we may not find logic, or factual thinking in the ways we express our vulnerabilities, or even in our vulnerabilities themselves, I tend to think that the universe itself  isn’t a terribly logical, or factual place all the time either. At least, not to the naked eye. There are planets, exoplanets, solar systems, and universes that exist beyond what we think are our realm of possibilities. And while I don’t think forgoing your gut feelings in lieu of your heart fully is the way to go; Ignoring your emotions doesn’t serve you either. I think humans are naturally spiritual beings and in my opinion, something about how deeply we feel, and the bonds in the relationships we form fuels not only the world, and our realities but the universe itself.