Let's Talk About it...

A few blogs ago, I spoke about healing my inner child through fashion. While what I'm going to say in this article won’t necessarily be consistent with what I said in that blog, it won’t necessarily be inconsistent either. Because I believe style itself is as alive as our imagination, I think it is something that continues to evolve with who we become as people. I often speak on the concept of “seasons” in one’s life and how our mindsets shift as each season begins and ends. I find that in this season of life, I am being pulled towards modesty. Both in the way I dress and in my character. I think the idea of modesty can be a very triggering idea because some might think it's sexist, or judgmental, or rooted in some oppressive Abrahamic religion. While I won’t deny that those things CAN be true, they don’t have to be. I can only speak for myself and what the idea of modesty means to me. So let's get into why I’m making this transition.

It all started with a swimsuit…

Last summer I was in Target looking for swimwear for some pool event. As my eyes gazed over the rows of vibrant two pieces littering the entrance of the store, I began to feel exasperated. Maybe I'm turning into a boomer but all the two piece suits that caught my eye were just way too revealing. First I had to sift through the “hell no’s”, then the maybe’s, then the ones that would fit my rather large bust size. After going through and trying on the two pieces that I thought would fit, I very quickly became uncomfortable. I couldn’t place the feeling of discomfort so I just said “eff it” and put the suits back and just decided to wear something I already had which happened to be a one piece. Now this wasn’t just any one piece, this was a specific suit that I wore when I was around either my in-laws, or my parents. When I put it on, for the first time, I did not feel bored, or constricted, nor did I wear it begrudgingly. I actually felt…comfortable. I think a sane person would have held onto that feeling and noted it for future reference. But I am not sane and that wouldn’t be the last time I wore a revealing swimsuit.

Then there was the pool party.

Back in February, during the super bowl, me and one of my best girlfriends on a slight whim decided to attend a resort pool party hosted by American football player Rob Gronkowski (for my international readers). After purchasing the ticket, I immediately ran to my closet and looked through my stash of pool attire. To my horror, I realized that all of the swimsuits I owned were basic one pieces. I remember thinking to myself, “I can’t show up to this thing looking like a grandma.” So with the swiftness of a track star racing to a photo finish, I jumped on Amazon to see what I could find that would be delivered in two days. After scrolling my phone until my eyes glazed over, I found it. A beautiful white bikini with gold cage detailing and a cheeky bottom. “Perfect!” I whispered. After clicking purchase, I awaited its arrival with bated breath. If it didn’t work out, I'd be out of luck and time. When I put it on, it fit me like a glove. I looked good in it but there was this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that expressed discomfort once again. And in ignoring that subtle signal, I learned my first lesson…

I no longer wanted to be the object of Lust for random men.

There’s this popular school of thought that men should control their eyes and desires because they are grown adults. Let me just say, I one hundred percent agree. In my perfect world, I’d straight up be invisible to men I do not know. However, I don’t live in that fantasy land, I live in the real world. And in the real world men stare, leer, shout profanities, and otherwise act lasciviously towards women (and girls) they find attractive. I am not here to talk about whether that is right, or wrong (it’s definitely wrong). But it is a fact of life. If you are a human female, you have to deal with unwanted attention from the opposite sex. And honestly, I want to opt out of that as much as I possibly can. As previously mentioned I have a large bust and accompanying that, a large bottom. If you have it comin’ and goin’ as the folks would say, you understand that you draw a lot of attention to yourself, even if you are fully covered. I, however, was not fully covered. I loved extreme crop tops, see through shirts, micro mini skirts, and skin-tight dresses. And to be honest random people and especially random men who I do not know, do not deserve to see me that intimately. When I dress in more modest clothing, I am in the driver's seat. I get to control what strangers do and don’t see. This is a very personal aside but I believe that my body is for myself and secondarily for me and my husband. And just for the two of us, being scantily clad in the privacy of our home is perfectly fine. And even though that may sound very Abrahamic…

Modesty FOR ME is not rooted in religion.

Now there is nothing wrong if you feel like you are called to be modest because of religious reasons. But for me, immodesty no longer sits well in my spirit. This also isn’t to say that I do not have my own relationship with source, with a higher power. I think that anyone can practice modesty in the way they dress. Anyone can also be immodest, if they so choose. I am not here to make judgment calls on anyone else’s life but my own. We were all given free will and a brain as conscious beings. So for me to judge, or to convince someone else on how to behave is not only breaking their free will but to deny that others are fully actualized beings is to be in your peasant consciousness.

Modesty isn’t JUST about how you dress.

Confucius once said “He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good.” That’s really just a fancy way of saying we should watch our mouths. But even further than that, I think it also means we should watch our character. Personally, I'm trying to do both. Especially when it comes to social media. In general, I would post a lot of selfies and immodest pictures of myself. To be honest, if you were to look at my Instagram you probably wouldn’t bat an eye but for me, I am trying to cultivate a more positive, less vain social media platform. I will still post my adventures, and time with loved ones (to an extent), but I will post less of myself. I think social media can give kind of this parasocial way of looking at others that we honestly, do not know that much about. I also want to be more modest in how I show up in the lives of both strangers and people close to me. I think just being a more gracious person and a person who listens openly without giving unsolicited advice, is something I’m trying to work on.

There are also varying degrees of modesty. Someone may look at me and think that I am in fact not very modest by their standards. And this is true. To a woman dressed in niqab, I will be less modest in comparison. I think that is okay. It's important that each individual person on a journey to modesty gets to decide what they do and don’t want to participate in. Each person's interpretation is different and personal.

So…What have I learned so far?

In my last blog about my own clothing choices, I spoke about how much I admired the video vixens and Y2K style of dress. That all is still very true but when I became uncomfortable with immodesty, I eventually had to ask myself why I was dressing that way in the first place. While it is true that I am very proud of how I look, it is also true that my immodest dress stemmed from a deep seated need to be approved of and validated by others. And I'm not even talking about the approval of other men. I always loved the attention and accolades I received from other women on how I looked. I had to come to terms with that need and reprogram myself to internal validation. I am the only one who validates me and what’s more, my validation is the highest form of validation I can hope to receive. My approval of myself is total and complete. I also wanted to take the focus off of my body and my body parts and put it back onto my smile, and who I am as a person. I wanted to be judged less on what I was wearing and more so on the content of my character, my humor, and how I treat other people.

This journey is also very challenging in ways I never expected. I never knew how hard it was to shop when you are a young woman trying to dress more modest, to find pieces that aren’t cropped, too low cut, not see through, not super short, or extremely skin tight, that doesn’t make me look like a grandma, or an old maid. But I find that to be a good thing. It helps me manage my propensity to overspend on clothes and in turn makes me take a second look at items I already do have and find creative ways to make them more modest! Which has been really fun, just experimenting with layering and different basics.

Whew! I think that was the longest article to date! Anyway, thank you for making it this far. Overall, my change in dress taught me more about myself than anything else. I’m purposefully not going to go into how others treat me has changed because that’s not as important to me as my internal story. But I will say the treatment has changed. Also my intent in writing this was not to shame any other woman on how she may choose to dress. Like I said we are all conscious beings and can make our own decisions for ourselves. This also isn’t to say that I have fully arrived at my destination per say. I don’t have it all figured out and I likely never will. However, I am enjoying the process and ultimately enjoying learning how to relate to myself in a drastically different way.