My Blog Knows What You Did in the Dark.

I haven’t thought about you in five years. No. That’s a lie. I haven’t thought about you since last year but I've thought about you five times…Since then.

Then, we were friends. Then we were lovers.

Then you changed everything. 

Then I should have been smarter. But I wasn’t. You took what little pieces of myself I had left. And I realized what little I had to begin with. But that’s okay, I wasn’t innocent either. I led you to believe you could have the parts of me reserved only for the Universe. But you really didn’t have to shatter my galaxy. My whole world caught in the crossfire of your egotistical supernova. 

 I still remember that night. The faint smell of weed and aerosol spray wafted from inside. I walked in eager, willing, uninhibited, and you were there bitter, unassuming, and drunk. You were under the influence many times but this time I could tell you were different. It was a sinister undercurrent. The way you pulled me in. but my god you felt so far offshore. And your lips made shipwreck of mine. I tried to pull away but your grip on me grew tighter. Eventually, I found myself face down, counting the dog hairs on your red carpet with each thrust of your knife plundering my mind. I begged for you to stop but you were so far gone you didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t hear my cries. In fact, I think you enjoyed my pain. My frantic panting in between muffled tears as the back of your hand stung my already swollen lips. And I think it turned you on to hold my emotions captive. I think you loved it when I started screaming for someone, anyone to come save me. I think you reveled in the power. And with your little death, you destroyed me. And when I could finally make my escape, I left the best parts of myself with you. 

I cried the whole way home and didn’t stop until the next morning. 

It felt surprisingly easy to pretend to be regular afterwards. And when I read your lame apology on my screen, a part of me believed you. The facade didn’t last for long. It never does. And I betrayed myself when I got into your car again. What did I want? I still don’t know. Maybe I wanted things to be different, maybe I couldn’t accept what you did to me. Maybe I wanted to go back to just being us. Back to bowling like our lives depended on it, back to intimate kisses in your favorite place. Back to before you stole the little bit of innocence I had left and morphed me into something different, something wretched. 

And I wonder. 

Where would I be right now if you hadn't altered my brain chemistry? But if not you, it would have been another. Because you weren’t the first. And even though it’s been a long time, every year, I find myself right back where I started from. 

And I can’t escape. 

No matter how far I go, how much time passes, how much I try to forget. You still fog the most hidden recesses of my mental. I keep on going through the motions. No matter how much I've claimed to heal, I’m still just twenty-one, still barely a woman, still a shell of who I once was.  

And I hate you for it.

I hate the way you smiled.

I hate your auburn hair.

I hate the way you’d give me butterflies. 

And I hate the way you’d stare. 

I hate that you didn’t listen when I told you no. 

I hate that you lied. 

And I hate that you let it slip and smiled when you saw the tears well up in my eyes. 

I hate that all I could see was a nightmare coming true.

I hate when you forced your hand over my mouth, it stayed there for five summers.   

But what’s even worse than that? I hate myself more.

I hate myself for trusting you.