My Views on Transactional Relationships.

It’s almost Valentine's day and all across America there are thousands of women begging their man…to buy them flowers. Now, it would appear that everytime a woman asks anything of a man they’re seeing, these same men get on Beyonce’s internet and wax poetic about how “Women are so transactional”. If you couldn’t tell, I am rolling my eyes as I type this. To be honest it’s very annoying. Men literally race to give y’all the bare minimum. I say y’all because my man, my man, my man…would never be caught dead with the bare minimum. Nevertheless! Men (and pick-me’s) are always complaining about somebody being too transactional but I've got news for y’all…

Every relationship is transactional. 

Every single one. Barring parent-child relationships (but even some of those are too quiet as it’s kept) all relationships are built on the concept of cui bono. In English that translates to “who benefits” and while it is predominately used in the context of law, I feel the concept is fitting still. While in this article I’m primarily speaking of romantic relationships let’s explore non-romantic ones for a moment. Let’s look at platonic friendships. While we genuinely care about our friends, that relationship is at its core transactional. Do y’all vent to each other? Give each other advice? Lend each other a shoulder to cry on? Yea, that’s based on socio-emotional transactions. Your relationship with your boss? Transactional. Your relationship with your nail tech or hairdresser, lash lady, wax lady etc. who you vent to during the service? Transactional. Grocery checkout person? Transactional. Your professor? Transactional. I think you get the point. And I know some people would make the argument that we’ve commodified human interaction and relationships via the institution of capitalism. And while I won’t deny there is truth to that, I'm here to argue that much like friendships, human interactions are always going to be and always were transactional in some way. Even when we were in hunter gatherer societies, everyone had a role to play and if you didn’t complete your role or your transaction with said tribe you’d possibly be cast out. We are essentially pack animals because we benefit each other in some way. Which leads me to my second point…

Yes. Even YOUR relationship is transactional. 

Now, let's get back to romantic relationships, specifically your romantic relationship. Many women are scared to be seen as “transactional” (but me? I’m finna STEP) because of the negative connotation associated with the word. But i’ve got news for you, the transaction is already happening, you’re just not getting your side of it. What do I mean by this? If you are a woman dealing with a man in any capacity, that man is not only using your very precious feminine life force energy to bolster himself up, he is also gaining status by being seen out with you. Like i’ve said before you as the woman are the source, so men take something from you just by laying their eyes on you. If you are in a relationship with a man, not only are you giving him your feminine energy, you're giving him your emotional energy. And that’s just some of the spiritual stuff. Let’s look into what he’s getting from you physically. Do you cook for him? Does he have access to you sexually? Are you paying half the bills? Paying half (or all) on dates? Do you wash his dirty drawls? Do you send him sexy pictures? Make sure the house is spotless for him? Have you given this man a child, or children? Meaning that you have guaranteed him a legacy? Yea. Those plus so much more are all the benefits a man is getting from you and after all of that you have to beg that man for the bare minimum? Because let’s be clear, flowers are the bare minimum. So while he’s getting his part of the transaction from you, he’s over here calling YOU transactional for wanting more than a fifty-dollar engagement ring. You know why? 

Because straight men always want a free lunch. 

What do I mean by this? Well, generally many (if not most) men will see what they can get out of any individual woman without giving anything in return. And I'm going to be honest, that’s our fault as women. I believe in accountability because men will only go as far as you let them. If you know you want to get married and are trying to stick it out as some man’s “girlfriend” (not a real status) for years upon years and you haven’t left him? Then, that’s on you sis. I literally learned how to be selfish from men. Men almost never think “If I promise this woman the world just to get in her pants…I’m going to rot in hell.” They are just going to take what they can get and move on. That’s why I respect the hell out of women who are very openly “transactional” with men. Ain’t sh*t free over here. And I'm not just talking about a woman getting her end of the transaction monetarily. If you’re with a man who doesn’t even do the minimum of being there for you in any way, being emotionally intelligent, being faithful, and just overall being a good partner, you're losing yet again. And you have to ask yourself “What am I getting out of this?” Because as I stated before, that man is going to get something beneficial out of you.

You might be reading this article and thinking “Well, if I require something out of a man to be with me isn’t that prostitution?” Again, hate to be the bearer of bad news but as women dealing with men, we are all prostitutes and 304s. And marriage is just legal prostitution. The difference between real prostitutes and regular women is that at least prostitutes know they’re supposed to be getting something out of the transaction. Regular women who don’t require anything are just getting played. I’m going to be real, men do not approach women to love and cherish them, they approach you to sleep with you. All that other nice sh*t comes later and that’s only if the woman requires it. And I'm going to be honest, all the women who are trying to prove they are not transactional…these men often don’t have the money you’re trying to prove you don’t want! Every single man I've ever met, or heard of saying he doesn’t want to be used for his money…NEVER has the money. But listen, I'm not here to save nobody, y’all don’t want to be saved anyway (J Cole bars). And if I were a man, I'd be running the same game on women. 

Ladies, I pray y’all break free from letting these men get over on you. Like I said in my post about standards, don’t let anyone shame you from getting what you’re owed out of a relationship. And remember, there is nothing wrong with being single on Valentine's day but if you’re in a relationship with one of these men and still not being spoiled? That’s embarrassing.