Standards.

Everyone has them and everyone has them for a wide range of contexts. Depending on who you are and what you believe, your standards may be low, or high. Each and every person gets to make the decision on what they will tolerate from people, experiences, and places. Different people’s standards, especially on social media, has been a hot topic of discussion. From the ever so annoying podcast bros, to influencers, to the everyday person alike, talk about standards is always in the cultural undercurrent. This is actually a topic I never expected to write about (but your good sis needs content) because this topic is so personal. What may be high standards to one person may be low to the next. Likewise, what may be low standards to you may be average or high to someone else. Even though everyone is entitled to whatever standards they have…I’ve got some thoughts. 

The crazy thing is…

Men are super unapologetic about their standards. If you are not their type or preference they will let you know in so many ways. The way I've seen men treat women they aren’t attracted to is insane! Honestly, the nicest way I've seen them treat women who aren’t they’re type is simply to ignore her. Men know what having standards are because they will have no problem not being chivalrous, doing nothing for you and even using you sexually, or emotionally, but once they find, or see, or are even near a woman they consider their “dream girl”, all that changes. If you are a man’s preference they have no problem doing everything and anything for you. Men will do below the bare minimum for a woman he’s not attracted to, that is, if he even entertains said woman but will switch up once he finds that one. Men also have preferences depending on their tax bracket. A poor man will generally have a different preference for women once he gets a little bit of money. And it’s usually a woman who was his preference all along but he knew he had to have money to get her. Because men actually need women (because women are the source) they will settle for what they know they can get. This is why I only suggest women date men who are successful. Doing so means he likely is not settling for you (and will treat you like a princess). And you know what’s really crazy? I do not blame men for this. I actually love that they stand on business when it comes to their standards. However…

It’s a problem when women do it. 

And this is where y’all got me f*cked up. Some unemployed male, instead of using his below the poverty line, ashy, unmanicured fingers to fill out a job application, he decided to write me an email. He was upset about my post on pretty privilege (if you haven’t read it, it’s good) and basically detailing how it’s soooo wrong that I tell women to charge a fee, and only wanting men who have money is bad and I'm a “gold digger” and blah blah blah. And I was sitting there reading it like…That’s what you got out of the article? That was the takeaway for you, out of all the things I wrote? Okay. It’s so annoying that they know what standards are when it’s them, when they say, “I want a woman who’s 5 '5, 110lbs, DD boobs, long hair, nice eyes' ' etc. But as soon as a woman says “I date men 6ft or taller.” or “He has to have some money.” All of a sudden, we’re the bad guys. Like god forbid a woman has her own preferences! What’s even more deluded about these types of men is they are ruthless about what their preference in women are. Women on the other hand, are more likely to make allowances for men that aren’t their physical preference. And even if a woman ultimately rejects a guy she’s not into, she’ll be nice and apologetic about it. That’s why I will always respect women who don’t care about what you think about her rejection or preferences (but we’ll get to that later). What’s even more exasperating than the men who complain about a woman’s standards are the WOMEN who try to shame you about them. To me, as women, we’re all on the same team. So when certain sects of women (pick-me’s) try to down a woman for her standards it’s just absolutely unhinged. Y’all do know that we’re all dating in the same pool right? So by trying to lower the next woman’s standards, you’re ultimately lowering the value of all the other women including yourself to men (since y’all want their free approval so much). Yea, I understand that you want to jump in the gutter and struggle with some man and that is your right! The rest of us on the other hand…We require more. But the actual gag is…

If you’re a Black Woman you REALLY cannot have standards. 

A few months ago there was a big social media discourse surrounding a black (queen) woman who didn’t want to go on an ice cream date as a first date with a man. First let me say this…I am NEVER on the side of men. So if you ever see me agree with a man on something just know…(I got a check) I am unwell. And the comments were full of men who happened to be black talking about “Y’all black b*tches” this and “This is why I don’t date black b*tches” that. All because this woman required more effort than ice cream on a first date…She wasn’t asking this man to go to a five star restaurant and drop five hundred dollars, she just wanted him to show a little more effort and creativity than that. And that’s her RIGHT. And you know what, it’s even his right to not want to take her out because of this. But people, especially black people, expect black women (more specifically dark-skinned black women) to accept struggle love. We are sure called ungrateful a lot for a collective of women who haven’t been given sh*t. And you know what’s really upsetting? Black men know what preferences are when it’s “I only date light skinned women.” But I digress. It really kills me that black women are always expected to accept the bare minimum in life but let a non-black woman state her standards. Nobody bats an eye. Now of course there are non-black women who have low standards but those aren’t the non-black women that black men generally prefer. I’m talking about the top shelf ones, the Kim Kardashians, not gas station Becky (no shade). 

Speaking of the Kardashians, wasn’t Kim on one of those talk shows a few years ago talking about how she only dates athletes? Where was the uproar? The consternation? The backlash? Nowhere to be found. Because even though all women are shamed for their standards, non-black women are expected to have them. That’s why you see a whole slew of rich black men with white women when they’re up. Those women would have never dated them if they didn’t have what they have (and they shouldn’t).  When they’re down with nothing to offer however, they expect for black women to welcome them with open arms (Jonathan Majors, Jeezy, etc). Although it may seem like I'm upset by that, I really couldn’t care less. Because you won’t see me accepting any man with nothing to offer. What upsets me is that everybody gets mad when black women move like every other race of women. So if you’re a woman and you look like me and you need permission to expect more out of men and relationships. You have my permission. Don’t let nobody shame you into the bare minimum just because they don’t think black women are worth anything. Which leads me to my last point…

Don’t let anybody shame your standards PERIOD. 

No matter what they are. You know why? Because nobody else has to live your life but you. Like I said, if you want to jump in the gutter with your man, it could never be me, but if that’s you? I’m cheering you on if that’s what makes you happy. If you’re a woman who charges a fee (shout out to all the 304s) in order for a man to access you, I am cheering you on if that’s what you want to do! And I'm cheering for all the women in between. Speaking of 304s, and this is really just an aside, but it upsets me when y’all come for the sugar girls, when y’all come for the escorts, the strippers, the HOES! Because all y’all “good girls” give it up because some man said some words, or purchased you a drink at the bar, or made you empty promises, and again, your American right and i’m cheering you on. But leave us out of it! I never hear the 304s talking about the vanilla girlies and their standards! But again, I heavily digress. Each and every one of us are on borrowed time on this planet and me personally, I’m not wasting that time dealing with people, or experiences, I do not want. That’s why I have so much respect for women who refuse to let their time be wasted, and don’t stay, or entertain situations that do not serve them. I think the person who lets other people dictate what they do in their living, breathing, perfectly imperfect life, are fools and will make shipwreck of their lives. 

Okay, that turned into a rant. Honestly, when I started this article I didn’t know where I was going with it. But that’s the beauty of writing innit? Anyway, I said everything I needed to say, so this conclusion will be short. Live your life y’all, don’t let anybody tell you your standards are unrealistic and please stop trying to bend your life to be digestible for other people. They can choke.