Storytime: I Kissed an Old Man for $1500.

Okay, let me just say this before I start. If you’re my parents, please skip this because it’s trifflin’. 

If you are any other family member and just want to know the tea…Don’t tell my parents because that’s triflin’. 

Now for the rest of y’all…Once upon a time, not too long ago I was young and turnt. 

This was back in the day, when I was a twenty-two year old young tenderoni. 

The day started just like any other. It was a week-day because I woke up, got ready, and went to work. At the time I was a temp and this assignment I worked at a funeral home (the stories I have from that job are insane). While I was at work, I was texting with an old coworker who I met on my first temp assignment at a hotel. We were around the same age, I think she was maybe twenty-five at the time. Nevertheless, we got close when I was at that job and when I left she vowed that one of these days we would hang out. Let’s call her…Sarah. Sarah was lit. She was a really pretty blonde girl and we would always go out to lunch together and drink (you’re not supposed to) and she had a fly all black with red interior Range Rover. Where at the time, I drove a Honda Civic so…yea. But she was always down for a good time and like me, enjoyed the finer things in life. Anyway, we were making plans. At the time I lived in an apartment in Tempe and she worked in downtown Phoenix. The plan was she’d pick me up around when she got off work and we’d hit a few spots in Old Town Scottsdale. It's very hilarious that I now live in Scottsdale because in my early twenties I would drive or uber from where I lived to frequent the area. I loved Scottsdale because I generally stood out (Not blonde, not white) So I would get a lot of attention.  

Now, at the time I had a boyfriend (Sugar daddy) and we were exclusive (to him) but I was still out in these streets. He was a nice, generous man. He paid my portion of the rent, paid my car note, and just spoiled me. This was back when I used to lie to men so even if he thought he was the only one he wasn’t (don’t hate the player, hate the game). Anyway, I got off work, well actually I left early that day (the funeral director fancied me so I came and went as I pleased) and drove home. I don’t know who raised me to believe I needed a new outfit for every outing (because it was not my mother) but I had nothing to wear. I couldn’t run to the mall because after trying on every option in my closet, it was already close to time and I still had to do my makeup. So I got creative. If you know me, you know when I step outside…I STEP. I had a large pink silk scarf that I tied around myself like a halter top, and matched it with my pink mermaid skirt and pink fuzzy platforms, which I still have. I should have taken a picture because the fit was absolute fire! 

So 7:30 rolls around and Sarah texted me that she’s outside. I remember almost breaking my ankles walking down the steps because the platforms were so high. But somehow I managed. We were discussing where we wanted to go and we both agreed we’d go to Mastro’s. If you know me, you know I love me some Mastro’s. They have great drinks, and I love an 8 oz filet with their Mac and cheese. So we pull up to Mastro’s and wait for the valet. After getting out of the car we walked inside to the hostess stand. Usually, when I went to Mastro’s I sat at the bar but Sarah was feeling a table next to the bar since we were getting a whole meal. We sat down, ordered our drinks. I had a Cosmo, my signature drink at the time because you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t the black Carrie Bradshaw. We got our drinks and we were just chopping it up. Talking about our jobs, relationships etc. Suddenly this group of like four Arab dudes, late thirties, maybe early forties, sat at the table next to us. They had on nice suits, and I peeped the wrist of one of them and it was a Patek. so in my finesse mind, I took that as they had money. But I wasn’t sweating them, I was out to have a good time with my friend. Of course they were staring though, because of course they were. Eventually the loudest of the group (AKA the one who had the least money) introduced himself, now I don’t remember his name but it didn’t matter. He asked what we were drinking and offered to buy another round. We chatted it up with them for a little but one thing about me, when the drinks start flowing, my bladder starts going. So at some point I get up to use the bathroom. And when I came back, Sarah was at the bar area talking to a couple and this old man. 

This is where the story takes a turn for the unethical. I walked up to them and immediately the old man was like “Oh this is your friend?” So he introduces himself and honestly, don’t remember his name but let's call him Archibald. Because he had some old man name similar to that. So I told him my alias name (because we do not give out our real name to random men, ladies!)  and held out my hand. He took it and kissed it (period). Once again, I peeped the wrist and it was Iced. And yet again in my finesse mind that translates to he’ll give me some money. So Sarah was talking to the couple and my attention was on Archibald. He bought me another drink and we talked. I found out he was visiting from Beverly Hills and he had three other homes across the country. He was in finance and owned his own firm in Cali. During the conversation he just kept complimenting me and saying he’s looking for someone to show him a good time(men always talking that cash sh*t). I asked him what he did prior to coming to Mastro’s. He replied that he was at the casino then leaned in real close and whispered that he had around 20k in his pocket (Cha Ching). So i was like “Oh you have f*ck you money?” and he nodded. So at this point, I was sitting in his lap and he had his arm around my waist. I don’t remember what else we talked about but eventually he was like “you should come out to visit me.” and I was like “You flying me out and putting me in the four seasons?” He chuckled and said “whatever you want.” Then he asked “Can I kiss you?” I laughed but didn’t say anything because I didn’t think he was serious.  So he followed up with “what would it take?” I replied, “give me some of your f*ck you money.  $1,000, maybe $1,500 and I'll see what I can do.” I’ve always had a good mouthpiece with men so I joke but I really am serious and it works for me.  But when I tell you the RACKS he pulled out of his wallet. Man was not playing around. He counted out the money and handed it to me. I took the money (didn’t count it) and he looked at me like what’s good? Now, I know what you’re thinking. Is she really about to sit here and kiss this old white man in this restaurant? I may be a lot of things but I am a woman of my word. So I did.   

Anyway, there’s way more to that story because we ended up going to a party with those Arab dudes we met and that was…a lot. So did I ever see Archibald again? No. I was too young and not thinking about the long term (him being a good trick). I was very into fast money at the time so I fumbled. But looking back on it, I have a feeling he would have given me the world. Am I ashamed? Honestly, I feel neither shame nor pride about the things I’ve done. It just kind of is what it is. People often think what if, and in my early twenties I would just do it. I think it’s just the aries in me. So what’s the lesson here? Because I think every story should have a lesson. But I'll let you, the reader, decide what the lesson is for you because for me personally, what I got out of it is it’s really my world and these men are just living in it. Nah, Just kidding. But for real, the game is not on me, it’s in me. 

  I know y’all are mad. Y’all are going to call me a h*e, oh i’m for the streets, oh you sell kitty kat and blah blah blah. But are you not entertained?! And let me just remind you. At the end of the day I still got wifed up babes. To a good man at that (not that being married is the pinnacle of achievement but that’s what y’all seem to always say won’t happen to women who do what they want). So yea before you judge me…let me remind you only the sinless can judge! I hope y’all enjoyed this storytime! And be prepared to hear more of my tales because whew! The life I lived.