The Art of Seduction.

On a warm summer night, I sauntered into Mastro’s restaurant. It was a random weekday, nothing particularly special, nor noteworthy happened during the day. So I figured I’d treat myself to a nice drink and meal. I love Mastro’s because they serve big drinks in iced canisters. As I slithered through the entrance to the bar area, and pulled myself onto the barstool, I could feel the eyes of a few gentlemen gaze over me. I ordered my drink, it was my signature drink at the time, a dirty martini. After a few sips, I locked eyes with a man. Early forties, clean shaven, wearing a navy blue suit jacket…or was it black? I smiled coyly, taking another sip before breaking contact. A moment later he appeared by my side. After offering me another drink, we had a very nice conversation. I found out his name, career, and a few hobbies. What I didn’t know is that he would be my second ex fiancé. As our conversation winded down (me pretending I had to leave but just going to the other side of the bar), he said to me.

“I’ve never experienced this type of thing in real life.”

“How do you mean?” I asked.

“I would do anything you asked me to do right now.” he replied.

It was an exchange that stuck with me because it was a very good lesson on the intensity of seduction.

So what is it, really?

Well, if you Google the word, it will tell you it’s “The action of seducing someone”, or “A tempting or attractive thing.” And sure, both of those definitions are technically correct but it doesn’t really capture the essence of what seduction is. To me seduction is power. Not only is it power, it’s an art form. The ability to persuade a person into doing your bidding is a tool that any woman should have in her tool box. It’s a man’s world, but man’s greatest kryptonite is the allure of a seductress. There is also a misconception that to be a good seductress, it is about how you look. While looks are a part of seduction, specifically glamor, seduction is an energy. One of the most powerful women in history, and a Maestra of seduction was Cleopatra. She was described as rather plump and plain looking in appearance but possessed a dazzling magnetism that brought the most powerful men to their knees.

So how can one be seductive?

Dita Von Teese, one of my favorite women and a master of the craft of seduction once said “Everything has to look like you didn’t try, like you just are, that’s why you must wear lingerie everyday and enjoy it.” She then goes on to say that you’re not doing it for a man, you do it for yourself and he just happens to be a witness to that. And that therein lies the key. To be a master of seduction it is something that you need to embody within yourself. To be honest, it is something that takes years to do because you really need to be comfortable with yourself but I will talk about a few things to start.

The first is to have a great and expansive knowledge about eroticism and sex. And this does not mean you have to do everything you know about but knowing is key. I’d get to know the history of sex and eroticism as well. This is important because this is one thing that makes a woman unforgettable. It also will make you more comfortable with sexuality as a concept and therefore make you more comfortable with your own sexuality. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re sleeping with anyone either. You can be a virgin and still have knowledge of eroticism. This information is first and foremost for yourself as part of the embodiment of seduction, whether you want to use it is up to you.

I think self mastery is another important and initial step to seduction. A woman who knows herself is a force to be reckoned with. Because she not only knows what she likes and dislikes, she knows what looks good and feels good to her. For example, if the man I'm intimate with asked me to put on neon yellow lingerie, I wouldn’t do it. I don’t do neon and ultimately it wouldn’t be seductive and sexy if I don’t feel comfortable. Knowing your preferences also gives you the power to decide. What’s sexy and seductive is not saying yes to everything a man, or anyone wants you to do. Just as I don’t do neon, I don't do athleisure outside of working out and I do not allow anyone to rush me in getting ready. I’m either allotted the time, or you can go without me. Knowing and mastering yourself is also about knowing your shadow side. What are your bad traits and habits? It’s not exactly about changing those things either but knowing how to work with them. I don’t shun my demons, I sit down with them over tea and we chat.

While I ultimately think mastering seduction is an act of energy work, we cannot separate the physical from the spiritual because I think when you’ve mastered the spiritual, it starts to physically manifest. Looking seductive is part of the game. There are many different ways you can look the part. You don’t have to look like Marylin Monroe to achieve it. In fact, if you look at the opposite, Morticia Adams, she was very sensual in a vampy way. So whatever your particular aesthetic is, you can look alluring. Furthermore, you can be this way without being vulgar. I know in my last article I talked about my modesty journey but I kind of like the idea of being completely covered but still giving sexy, as Nicki Minaj said. One of my favorite pieces in my wardrobe is a sheer lace turtleneck that I wear a black camisole under and pair with a leather pencil skirt. I like the idea of being modest but also being a little bit raunchy in the materials I choose. I’m a contradiction in that way.

One of the most captivating things a woman can do is maintain her mystery. This is something I used to struggle with in my early years. But not uncovering everything about yourself and keeping your feminine wits about you is very important. Don’t let everyone, even your partner see everything. Keeping some things for yourself puts the priority back on you. Many times, most times, I will leave and come back with my hair done, or I’ll go in my bathroom and come out with full glam. There is something absolutely magnetizing about a woman you have to find out more about. It also means that you have an air of exclusivity. You’re not available to everyone on a certain level. Just like Shrek, you have many layers to peel back and only a very special person, or persons, will find out…but I assure you they will surely try.

Keeping your dignity at all times is another characteristic of seduction. This is another thing I personally struggled with. I have been known to “go off” on people in certain situations but as I get older, the more I learn to just disengage. This doesn’t mean that you don’t stand up for yourself either, au contraire, there is a way to stand firm on your boundaries without lashing out. Quite frankly, random people, or people who disrespect you at all do not deserve that kind of energy from you.

I can talk all day about how one can be seductive but of course there is not a one size fit all formula to it. So ask yourself…

What is it that makes YOU seductive?

There are many different forms of seduction and many different archetypes of sensuality. Like I mentioned previously, There’s Marylin Monroe and Morticia Adams. There’s also Fran Fine and Dominique Deveraux. All of these archetypes are seemingly opposites but yet they are all women who possess a very powerful captivating energy. I think it’s our differences and what makes us unique that makes us alluring. Sit down with yourself, examine yourself, and even conduct some experiments. If you’re naturally a little more bubbly and child-like, don’t force yourself to be a sort of femme-fatale. Work with what you got and flesh out what gets the best results. You can also be seductive in multiple ways that seem contradictory. You can be sophisticated and be adventurous, dark and light. You don’t have to pigeon hole yourself to one thing. I certainly refuse to. It takes years to master seduction which is why I find the most tantalizing women are women in their mid thirties and above. Enjoy the process of learning your unique techniques and ultimately you will enjoy yourself. Speaking of yourself…

It’s also important to know the art of self-seduction.

Do not, and I mean under any circumstances, wait for a man to be romantic and seductive. Buy yourself flowers, wear your favorite lingerie sets just to lounge around your house, dance in the mirror, take long luxurious baths, spray yourself with perfume before bed, wear red lipstick and heels to the grocery store. Do all of the things that make you feel good. Your habits and what you do are just little behaviors that make up who you are. If you want to embody seduction, you must seduce yourself and relish in it.

All in all…

The art of seduction is about being who you want to be and not really caring about how you may look or seem to others. It’s all about being comfortable in your own skin and with who you are. Ultimately, that is the biggest trick of the trade. Being free. If you were to ask your partner when you were the sexiest, it’s likely the times you were free of inhibitions and just being and having a good time. Seducing is a very powerful tool. Wield it with confidence and power.