What Being a Dating Consultant Taught me About...

Relationships.

One of the most coveted statuses in all of human history is the romantic relationship. To claim and to be claimed by someone, is one of the oldest human wants. It’s even rated third on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. In 2019, in the span of four months, I went on about 80 dates, averaging about four dates per seven day week. I was also working two full time jobs and still made time for my friends (it’s a wonder I had any time to get my hair done). Now, this was not 80 different men. Most of these guys were regulars, with many first dates that didn’t lead to a second sprinkled in as well. All in all it was pretty successful, ending in a long-term relationship to my now husband. I learned a lot about other people and myself and in the later half of 2019 decided to use what I learned and channel it into a business. Over the next seven months I consulted with over thirty-five women on a multitude of dating topics. Whether it was dating for lifestyle, marriage, or for fun, I used my experience in all arenas to help these women secure sixteen proposals, thousands of dollars, gifts and other investments, and freedom from dead-end dating. While it was an incredibly lucrative business venture, it was also rather exhausting. Anyone who has ever run a people based trade knows just how annoying, frustrating, and time consuming (even if they were paying me by the hour) dealing with the general public is. However, I thought it would be an interesting article (for me to write) to talk about what I learned from being a relationship consultant for women.

1. Above all, dating is NOT politically correct.

One of the things that set me apart from other dating consultants, I think, was that I did not sugar coat what dating would be like. You learn a lot from actively dating for almost fifteen years, and the first thing that becomes very apparent is dating is not fair. Why? Because people aren’t fair. They have biases, preferences, choices, likes and dislikes. I’ve seen men reject a woman (for a relationship) because she was of a different ethnicity, not blonde, not brunette, too dark, too light, too short, too tall, too skinny, not skinny enough and even as petty as her hair was too weird. Upon booking a consultation with me, the first thing I asked was “What do you look like?” This is because for better or for worse, men are visual. Men do not swipe right on, cross the room for, or otherwise pursue women who do not have the look they are looking for. Lucky for women, men in general like a variety of looks but the key is to look good no matter what that means. If, for example, a woman described herself, or showed me a picture and she was bigger, I would let her know two things.

• These are the types of men attracted to bigger women.
  

• If the men I list are not men you want, you might need to lose weight.
  

Now, that may seem harsh but these women were paying me for results. If you want the results you’re going to have to do what you need to do. If you had a visual component to you that you could not change, or did not want to change, you have to work with it. I strongly believe that looking unattractive is a choice. There are too many clothing options, and beauty options in general to just be walking around looking bad. I always say if an ugly man can transform himself into a beautiful woman, you have no excuse (shout out to drag queens). However, men do not marry, or get into long term relationships with women solely because of how she looks (But I have known a few), it’s about being the total package. Looks get you in the door but your personality will keep you there.

1. Most women are addicted to the stories they tell themselves.

One of the most annoying things about working with women, and people in general, is that many, if not most women, cling to being victims. I understand because I am a woman. For example, I had more than one woman complain that a man they were interested in would only text them for sex, or otherwise didn’t take them seriously when said women wanted more out of the relationship. So consequently these women would hop on a call sometimes actually crying with a “woe is me,” victim story. I would ask “Well, why do you keep sleeping with him without commitment?” I don’t know why, but it almost never occurs to them that they do not have to have sex with these guys. I was confused for a bit as to why they were confused but then something clicked. As humans, we are always looking for ways to corroborate what our brains believe to be true. I’ve also had women who were divorced, single moms, career women, etc. who had a certain narrative in their heads that they were unworthy because of these “obstacles” And have had to work to reprogram their minds to focus on their strengths. So if you are a person who thinks you are unworthy of love, you are going to subconsciously seek out experiences and people who reiterate that narrative. It doesn’t matter what the actual truth of the situation is, you’re going to see it how you want to see it and In a way that fits what you think.

1. Men are generally simple, it’s women who complicate things.

When Aiden Shaw said on Sex and the City “He’s just not that into you.” I wish more women took what he said to heart. I’ve had many women on calls saying things like “He always leaves me confused” or “ I thought we had a good time but then he stopped texting me.” These are just a few examples of many similar complaints and every time I'd have to break the news that the guy they were speaking of probably just wasn't that into them. When it comes to men, if they leave you confused, or send you mixed messages they don’t view you as someone worth pursuing. When a man wants to be with you, there won’t be any doubt in your mind that he does. Also, if a man leaves you wondering where you stand with him…why the hell do you want that man anyway? What is it in you that wants to be drug through the ringer for love, or commitment? You are worthy of a man who stands on the fact that he wants to be with you. Abeg, stop complicating dating! Women would have a much better time and ultimately more fun if they realized that if he is not actively showing interest in you then it’s time to move on. You putting your energy into a man who doesn't like you is keeping you from the man who actually will worship the ground you walk on. Like my grandmother said, men are like buses. You miss one, there’s always one on the way.

1. The women who have standards are the ones who get them met.

If you are a woman reading this article, I want you to ask yourself, what are your requirements for entry? In other words, what do you require from a man in order to give him your mind, body, and soul? This is another question I would ask my clients. This isn’t a judgment of what your standards are either however, you need to have some. Some women require a committed relationship, monetary investments, and nice gifts. some an engagement, some marriage, others, a plate of food, or a few drinks. Figure out what your present standards are for dating. Are you happy with them? And are they bringing you the results you want? If they are. Great! Keep doing what you’re doing. If your current standards are not working for you, well then, you need to change them. Generally, the women who answered that their standards were not working, needed to have higher standards and better boundaries. Some women are afraid to heighten their standards because they think it’ll lead to more rejection. In a way, they are right. But that’s a good thing. Do you want to sit there and sift through a bunch of guys who you don’t want and may not want you, or do you want to focus on the guys who are for you and who will reach those standards. You choose.

Although I only wrote about four things that I learned from my previous line of work, I think that these were some of the most important takeaways. I could write a whole book on what I learned but to be honest, it might be a little redundant. While dating, the most important thing to take into consideration is what do YOU want? And once you filter through what that means to you, it’s important to then analyze whether or not you are the reciprocal for what you want. If you want a guy who is generous, are you good at receiving? If you want a guy who is trustworthy, are you trusting (not naively so)? Overall, dating is pretty much a game and whether you win or lose is up to your individual mentality.